Is someone you know a battered woman? Are you? Many women resist thinking of themselves as battered, but if you can see how this term might apply to your situation, you may be one step closer to making change in your life possible.
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A battered woman is someone who has been the target of abusive behavior by a man who is not a stranger to her. The type of abuse most often associated with the term "battered woman" is direct physical attack. This is also called domestic assault because the woman is physically attacked by someone she lives with, or has lived with at some time. You may feel that the violence in your home sets you apart. You may feel that such violence has only happened to you and that no one will believe you or understand what it is like.

There are other kinds of physical abuse in which a woman is considered to be battered. You have been abused if he held you, tied you down, or locked you in a room to keep you from leaving; purposely locked you out of the house or left you in a dangerous place; refused to help you when you were sick or injured; or drove fast and recklessly when you were in the car with him so as to frighten you.

Battered women are also psychologically and emotionally abused. When a man threatens to use physical force against you, whether or not he actually assaults you, this is a form of psychological battering. A threat in itself is an attack on you. This is especially true if he has hit you at least once before and you are afraid he will do it again. Threats of physical violence take away your sense of safety, security, and well-being, and play on your fear of being hurt physically. He may also threaten to hurt your children, friends, family, or pets if you do not go along with what he wants. He may actually do them harm or destroy your property. Threats and actions like these terrorize you and make you feel helpless. You may find yourself forced to go along with what he wants in order to protect yourself or others you care about.

Physical assault clearly has both emotional and physical effects. Battered women often have low self-esteem--that is, they don't think very highly of themselves anymore. It is emotionally damaging to go through the pain and fear, the uncertainty, and sense of failure that come from being the victim of repeated physical abuse from someone close to you. It's hard to value yourself as a person when someone is using you as a punching bag. Sexually abused women may feel humiliated and ashamed of their bodies. If you are sexually abused, you may become angry and resentful about sex. If you have sexual relations because you are afraid not to, or because he keeps at you until you give in, sex becomes an act of power and control over you --not an act of love.

Emotional abuse may take the form of things said or done apart from physical assault which undermine your self-respect and self-confidence. For example, he may curse at you; call you names and insult you; constantly criticize you; embarrass you in public. He may put you down and tell you you can't do anything right. He may ignore your needs and refuse to talk to you or listen to you. He may be jealous and check up on everything you do. He may accuse you of doing things you haven't done. Maybe he convinces himself that you are having an affair and becomes obsessive about this idea. He may call you names. He may try to isolate you from other people and want to make all your decisions for you, to control your life. He may lie, break promises and contradict himself so that you no longer know what do believe. A woman in a battering relationship takes an emotional beating as well as a physical beating.

Battered women share some common emotional reactions to violence in the home. Do any of the following feelings and thoughts seem familiar?

• Are you afraid of him?
• Do you ever think of running away?
• Do you worry a lot?
• Do you feel like you can't relax?
• Are you always on guard, watching his moods, being careful what you do or say?
• Do you doubt your judgment and think maybe you are going crazy?
• Do you think it must be your fault?
• Do you blame yourself and think that somehow you deserve to be battered?
• Have you lost confidence in yourself?
• Do you feel confused, helpless, or depressed?
• Do you lack energy or have little interest left for things that used to seem important to you?
• Have you lost contact with other people: friends, family, co-workers, neighbors?
• Do you feel that you have no choice but to stay?
• Do you feel trapped and alone?

If these descriptions fit your situation, you have been physically, sexually, or emotionally abused--maybe all of these--by the man in your life. Whether you have only been abused emotionally, threatened and slapped a few times, or repeatedly assaulted and badly injured, you can answer "yes" to the question raised at the beginning of this section: "Yes, I am a battered woman." When you think about your situation in this way, you may realize that you are not alone. Many other women have shared your feelings of shock, pain, disgust, anger, sadness and helplessness when the hand they reach out for is raised in anger against them. They, too, struggle to understand why and to decide what they should do about it.

It is important for a battered woman to realize that she does not make it happen. There are conflicts and disagreements in every relationship When we live with someone else there area always ups and downs. No one is perfect. We have bad moods; we argue; we nag; we make mistakes; we get on each other's nerves and annoy each other. When you do things like this he could ignore it, he could leave, or he could talk to you about it. But he hits. That is his choice, his responsibility. You do not "deserve" to be battered, and you are not to blame.

There are at least three reasons battered women may blame themselves: (1) the battering man tells her it is her fault; (2) others, including police, judges, social service workers, and counselors, may talk or act as if it is her fault; and (3) women in our society are taught to blame themselves, especially for problems in personal relationships.

What's wrong with this? Blaming the victim is misplacing cause. If a woman thinks she makes it happen, then she thinks she should be able to make it stop. Women are taught from an early age to please men; to compromise and put other people's needs first; to keep peace in the family. Over and over, battered women try to change their own behavior to make the hitting stop. The battered woman cannot prevent it because she doesn't really cause it.

Blaming the victim is a form of emotional abuse. It is based on a false belief about what causes battering. It leads to mistaken conclusions concerning what should be done.

In the book, The Battered Woman, Lenore Walker talks about the "cycle of violence" as a way of describing what happens in violent relationships between men and women.

None of us can avoid the conflicts and stresses of everyday life. For the battering man, however, the tensions he experiences as a result of conflict and stress lead to abusive behavior. He explodes in violence that may last just a few minutes or go on for hours, even days. Afterward, he may make excuses or say he is sorry and promise it will not happen again. Maybe he will tell you he loves you and needs you. He may make a special effort to smooth things over by trying to be nice to you. You make up. You forgive and try to forget. You start to minimize the problem. The worst seems over. You think maybe this time it will be different, but you never know for sure. However, you can be sure that as time goes by, conflicts and stresses will come up again. You can be equally sure that if your man has not learned new coping behavior, he will be abusive again.
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Battering develops as a pattern in a relationship. It is rarely a one-time-only event. Without help, attacks usually increase in number and seriousness. Sometimes it will only take one violent episode, one solid punch or careless shove, to break your jaw, permanently impair your sight or hearing, seriously damage internal organs, give you a concussion, hurt someone else in the home, or make you miscarry if you are pregnant. The battering man may or may not intend to do this kind of damage. Later he may say he never meant to hurt you so badly. But at the time he is battering, he is not thinking of your safety and you are in danger.

Once physical force enters a personal relationship, the effects can be deadly. The bottom line is that violence kills. It can result in serious physical injury, permanent disfigurement, or death--if not this time, next time.

For more information on domestic violence contact:
nccadv.org
North Carolina Coalition Against Domestic Violence